I've been wanting to write on this subject for some time now, but haven't really been able to find the words for it. I still don't think I am adequately expressing myself, but I'm going to make an attempt. I'm sorry for those of you who may be bored, but the subject I'm about to talk about is not really kinky. Instead I’m going to talk about something that is probably going to be boring for a lot of you. That’s right, I’m going to talk about religion. Feel free to surf somewhere else now if this is not your thing. I’ll be back to something kinky soon.
I’ve been on a very long spiritual journey considering that my life has been relatively short. I won’t bore you with all of those details, but I’ll tell you where it has taken me. I am a Christian. Really. There are plenty who think this is at odds with my chosen lifestyle. I’ll tell you a secret though. I think before I was aware of my nature as a submissive I was getting my needs for structure, dominance and obedience met through the Church. I was incredibly legalistic with it and followed all the rules and regulations very scrupulously.
But, like many people I fell away in many areas. I continued to hold Christian beliefs, but many of the needs I was getting met in the church began to be filled in other ways. I do consider my getting involved in my relationship one of the reasons for this, but I think it could just as easily have happened with a vanilla relationship. When people feel contentment they are less likely to seek God out. It’s just a fact. Despite this, ultimately I found that I missed a church community. I also missed the sacraments.
So, I tried again. This time around I found my way to the oldest Christian institution in the world. I thought it would be about like everything I’d already experienced but with different trappings. That’s not how it turned out, though. As it turns out, my entire perspective about God and my role as His servant has changed. I think this is due in large part to my experience as a slave.
The biggest thing I’ve learned is that belonging to God isn’t an intellectual pursuit. It’s fine for me to hold principals and beliefs, but they are meaningless if they don’t change me. Practice matters. So, I’ve made some changes. I wake up in the morning and say my prayers even if I don’t feel like it. I do this before bed too. I keep the fasts. I take myself to services. I don’t do all these things because I want to, or because they give me warm fuzzies. Sometimes I fail, too. But, I know they are changing me. One incremental step at a time I’m changing my perspective and my heart.
More importantly, I’m changing my life. I’m not looking for loopholes anymore- instead I’m looking to be the best person I can be in light of the choices I’ve made and the situation I’m in. I’m working on loving in action before emotion. That’s an epiphany huh? Love isn’t an emotion, but an action. I’m working on patience- with everyone in my life. I’m working on self discipline. This means I’m also I’m working on spending more time acting and less time talking.
I am a slave. As a slave I have a unique opportunity to provide tangible service both to my Owner and to our family. I can provide service from a perspective that most people in today’s world don’t have access to. This is a powerful opportunity to show God’s work in my life. I am working on embracing who I am and putting it in line with who I should be.
