Taking the new system for a test drive

W and I revised our system (rules, consequences, stuff like that) this week. This was a planned revamp, because we discovered things need to get tweaked on a regular basis, and we had hoped it would work better to plan to do this, rather than just waiting until things jam up and then fixing it when it's in a mess.

The title of the post is my face-saving way of saying that in spite of knowing that 1, W has gotten fairly consistent with enforcing the rules, and 2, that the new consequences could easily be far more severe than W would get on her own, I still felt the need to break rules this afternoon.

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on safewords, flashbacks, and triggers

i've read a lot of debate about safewords. there are those who are of the opinion that having a safeword makes this thing we do emphatically "kink" rather than discipline. i don't agree with that, not in the least. in theory, i believe that safewords are what distinguishes this thing we do from abuse--that i have the power at any point to say, "hey, this is hurting me in the wrong way, i need it to stop or else i will not be safe."

and a lot of the time, i can do that. i don't formally safeword, but i communicate with w and let her know when something is going wrong. that is a major factor in her willingness to do this thing we do. and it's a responsibility that i have, just as much as i have a responsibility to be honest about whether i've followed the rules, just as much as w has a responsibility to be consistent with enforcing the rules.

about a month ago, that fell apart, on both sides.

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Spring Break, 2009

On Monday I wrote a post here which included the statement

I'm at a critical stage in my life as a PhD. student. You'll hear more about it as the weeks go on, but this is the basic situation. Six to twelve months of productive work on my part, and it's very likely I'll finish my degree well and will be able to land a research and teaching job. Without the hard work, it's likely in 12 months I'll be looking at leaving graduate school without completing my degree.

At the time I wrote that, I'd done a little spade work which included several meetings with my advisor, an assessment of what I've already written (140 pages, maybe half of which is good enough to end up in the final document), started learning EndNote and using it to compile a library / bibliography. Oh, and I'd ordered some books from Amazon.

And, probably most importantly, I'd explicitly asked P for help. Asked him to make sure I spent most of Spring Break working on my dissertation.

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In Sickness & In Health

Goodness, it's been a while for me, hasn't it?

The reason it's been so long is that I've been delightfully good and obscenely responsible.  No really, it's true.

Or it could be I've been remiss about a lot of things including blogging.  Lately though, spanking's been on my mind and I've been writing on my personal blog.   Paul and I have been having adventures, including a trip to Vegas for Shadow Lane.  This meant, among other things, that I got to spend time with fellow PB writers, Bridget and Iris (& M too).

Needless to say, this made me think about a lot of spanking and PB related things.

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Impish

I'm always sleepy when it's over.Endorphines flood muscles relaxing after tensing through blow after blow. I cuddle with my pillow imagining that it's his chest.

It was just another punishment. And for my customary offense: not going to bed on time. But the circumstances were somewhat ambivalent. I had substantially reduced my melatonin intake Friday night after a weary week under its somnific spell and didn't fall asleep until 6am. When it came time to go to bed on Saturday night upon the conclusion of Saturday Night Live, I didn't really see much point in getting there in a timely fashion. That I got confused about Daylight Savings Time and mistakenly thought I had an extra hour to spare is quite beside the point. I slid beneath the sheets well after 2am but didn't fall asleep until after 3...er, 4am. And since I didn't wake up until after 3pm on Sunday afternoon, it seemed silly to go to bed at 11:30, especially as I didn't even eat dinner until 10:45.

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Kinks in my punishment kink: The ghost of abuse

It haunts every stroke, every word of a scolding, every moment anticipating a punishment. Years of being afraid and worse. Sometimes it seems so long ago, I start to wonder if it was really me all that stuff happened to. Sometimes the memories are still hot and raw, so much so that a year or two ago when I tried to write this post, I had to walk away lest it break the pieces I've spent years gluing back together.

While there hasn't been a lot of research on those who engage in What It Is We Do, research regarding BDSM in general suggests that child abuse is not the reason practitioners have the sexual orientation they do, even if those outside our community may think otherwise. In my own case, I started fantasizing about being spanked years before the abuse started and I am convinced that I'm a spanko despite the abuse.

oOo

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A bedtime vignette

Well, one of us had to break the silence, and I thought I'd do it with a short little disciplinary vignette.

It was very late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, and I was reading through my email. 

"Time for bed." A. sat next to me on the bed with his tray of tobacco and cigarette papers.

"I know." I nodded and continued reading my email.

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Refreshing naughtiness

I was bad yesterday, and it felt really good.

Even after I was punished for it, and even after I assured Abel how sorry I was, I still remember how good it felt to be nonchalantly naughty.

The story is simple (Abel has told it in more detail here): we were at a church wedding, and I fancied a mint.

I had no mint, but there was a pack of gum in my bag. When I reached to get some (this was, I must underline, after the solemn part was over, and the newlyweds were having pictures taken with the registry tome), Abel asked what I was doing.

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Party!

Tomorrow afternoon I leave work early and head to the Shadowlane Pary in Vegas for the weekend. I’m going to be dressed in my new English school uniform. This means I get to go through airport security, the trip to Vegas, and the cab ride to the hotel dressed as a school girl. Am I embarrassed? Hmm a bit. How did this come about? Well, let me tell you!

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Frantic Fondling

A few minutes of research indicates that I have been seriously absent here. Seriously. I've written 2 entries since this very day last year. Why, you ask? Because I'm a well-behaved (if wanton) girl. Usually.

Not today, though.

In the interest of complete transparency, I have been spanked frequently in the last year. And you might say that I've been in trouble once or twice. Generally, though, I think I've been fairly level-headed and emotionally stable this last year. All in all, there have been noticeably fewer days when I've been in a tantrum with Chris, fewer days when I'm so overwhelmed that I vacillate between distraction and depression, and many fewer days when the little things add up so dramatically that I break down in tears by bedtime.

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Men want to be little boys too

Some of you might remember back to this spring when Bitch magazine had an article about domestic discipline that featured Mija and I. And that I, at least (I haven't talked with Mija so I can't speak for her), complained a bit that the article genderized the practice too much. That it considered a woman disciplining a man as merely "theoretical" when I knew that it was very much practiced (as is DD among lesbian couples).

About a month or so ago I was interviewed again about domestic discipline, and when I asked my interviewer if she was going to look at Femdom disciplinary arrangements, she said no because she couldn't distinguish that from traditional BDSM.

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How to describe a long, hard punishment spanking

Chastened.

Repentant.

Broken.

Sore.

I keep wishing I knew how to put into words what a really long, hard punishment spanking feels like. I mean, obviously it hurts. The hairbrush, ping-pong paddle or even his hand stings so much that I whimper and squirm and kick and desperately wish it would end.

And while I might be cheeky and even a little impudent to start off with, by the end I'm usually penitent and chastened. Not to mention meek and obedient. And sore. Very sore.

But I'm also happy. Gratified. Serene.

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New Uniforms and New Beginnings

The PB has been relatively quiet lately, though research shows that's not due to a lack of spanking or spanking writing by many of the authors here.  Here's my research update.  Since last we heard from them, the ever so sexy Natty has been experimenting with topping and (of course) she has been spanked as well.   The lovely Haron has been welcomed home with a whipping (o that Abel!) while sparkle has been directed to devise her own painful welcomes for her reunion with Chris (who has been posting pictures of sparkle's bum, but that's another matter).   DykeGrrl / Jigsaw Analogy can often be found on the forum where I discovered she's getting regular maintenance spankings on Sundays (me too!). 

Finally, Paul pointed out late this afternoon that Iris was in trouble today too and going to get a spanking.  More sunburn trouble for Iris, complete with (perhaps) a spanking with / in front of a girlfriend guest. 

Okay, so I've delayed enough I guess.  A careful reader (which I'm sure you all are) would have noted the word "too" in that sentence above.  "Too" as in "also" or "as well."  Since it was agreed last Sunday that we would use Sunday's to discuss the week, and I've known all week I'd be spanked Sunday.  A tiny part of me has been looking forward to it because it would mean I was going to wear my new uniform.  But only a tiny part because I knew that the very act of wearing it would prompt a hard spanking and I'm not crazy.  You see, a little over a month ago, Paul surprised me with two authentic gym-slips.  They were ordered from a UK eBay vendor but they're imported from South Africa where school girls still wear them.  Although I'd tried them on, personal circumstances which required Paul to travel to the UK quite suddenly coupled with a heat wave (the uniform is a black wool blend) here when he returned  (with some authentic uniform shirts no less) meant I hadn't had a chance to really wear it yet.  Those of you who know me know that in addition to being a "sick little hand-tawsing freak" (thanks Niki), I have serious love for traditional uniforms.  Had this managed to be simply a maintenance spanking, it probably would have been eager anticipation I felt last night. 

Instead, given that the phrase "You'll get an e*e*a to clean you out in the morning when we get up and then we'll deal with everything else this afternoon" or something very close to it, was uttered, I was kept awake by more than just concern over the Doctor Who cliff hanger.  The e*e*a was to be my punishment for having eaten sugar without permission.

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A Real Punishment

It's been a long time since I've earned a real punishment.  Sure, I've been smacked and scolded; I've mouthed off and stuck out my tongue; I've transgressed minor rules and even gotten hairbrushed a little.  But a real, serious, big-time punishment?  It's been a while.

So when I got a text message from M on Monday, I was nervous.  The text said, "When you get home you are to change into your plaid skirt and a white shirt and wait for me."  Gulp.  Wouldn't you have been a little nervous?

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Spanking soundtrack

Just because I haven't been posting much doesn't actually mean I haven't been getting spanked. I just haven't had anything especially insightful to say about them (for the boring details, you can feel free to check out This Thing We Do, or my blog. W has been asking me to write about punishments and maintenance spankings right afterwards, but that doesn't lend itself to good writing, so I haven't been posting here.

Anyhow. There was a point to this post: reader participation!

W likes to spank to music. We had been using various music channels through our cable company, but that can get annoying, either because it distracts one or the other of us, or because they have a string of songs that just aren't good for spanking.

So, what is YOUR spanking soundtrack?

If you made a mix for spankings, which songs would be on it? Some of it's about finding songs with a good beat (pun not intended, but there it is!), some of it's about having songs with good lyrics, and some is about pacing the spanking. Once we've gotten our playlist set up, I'll post the songs in a comment here. Feel free to add your own, either as an entire soundtrack, or just songs you'd have on the soundtrack, in no particular order.