Yes, I'm still alive. And yes, Dave and I are still together, and still spankos. Now that we've gotten that out of the way ...
Recently we've been going though this sort of Relationship Identity Crisis, of sorts. Some of it has stemmed, I'm sure, from some insecurity about our future, and some of it has stemmed from the fact that he actively seeks out and spanks other girls -- which I've always been "ok" with, on the surface, but I'm somewhat bothered by in truth.
That said, I have a friend who is sort of my mentor in 'the scene,' and also one of my very best friends even though he lives very far away. We talk a lot and we've spoken about some of these issues and I told him, "Sometimes I feel like I'm not very submissive and it really makes me feel awful." That's when he really blew my mind ...
"Angela," he said, "I don't think I'd really call you a 'submissive.' In fact, that might be the last word I use to describe you. I mean, you have days when you are, sure, and I know you want to be sometimes, but you're not a submissive. Don't you understand that abot yourself yet?"
I almost cried. "Um. Then what am I?"
"Well. You're a girl who needs and desires spanking. You're definitely a spanko through and through. And you sure are naughty." (We both laughed.) "But as long as you keep feeling like you're a failed submissive, you're not giving yourself a chance to be happy being what you are."
It was like I'd heard a message from God or something. (And if you knew how much I'd worshipped this man for several years ... well, that's another story.) Anyway, I talked to Dave about it right away. And we talked about what this means for me, and for us, and how I felt a lot more comfortable not really using that term.
And I feel somehow more ... free, or something. I know there are times when I feel extremely submissive, and I'm allowed to have those times and be in that moment. But there are also times when I just don't feel that way, and times when Dave doesn't really feel like a Dom, and our relationship is just not made to always be in those roles -- it's way too emotionally exhausting. But when Dave started seeing me not as a Sub who had to be a Sub all the time, but, as DH put it, someone who needs and desires spanking and "sure is naughty" -- he started being stricter with me, ironically, and stepping up to the plate more when I need it. Maybe because he knows there WILL be down-time. Because there WILL be time when I will just be his girlfriend, and not his pet that must be taken care of or something.
Maybe a lot of this isn't making much sense -- and maybe a lot of this new 'transition' is coming from me getting back on my feet a little emotionally from having the world fall out from under me last September. Either way, the switch that happened in my brain when I stopped feeling like a Submissive who just can't be a Good Sub and started thinking of myself as girl who needs to be punished sometimes and sometimes is just a normal girlfriend with a normal boyfriend has been amazing.
Now, if I can get over D spanking other girls, we can be in complete harmony ... scene-wise.
