Not my best writing ever ...

Hi everyone. :) I just posted this in my Livejournal, but I wanted to get it here, too, just so everyone knows that I'm not dead -- or, worse, Vanilla.

I got a spanking today. It was asked for, and deserved, and needed -- but none of that takes away the sting or the blow to my pride, or the moments where I wanted it to stop. It had been a very long time coming. Ever since I was diagnosed, D's seemed less and less inclined to be dominant in any way. He's been loving, and giving; but his kink-needs have been on a sort of down-wave, and coupled with my pain and depression I think he's just felt it was better not to 'go there.'

But lately I've been begging for that part of my life back.

I knew it would help me, and he's really tried to be understanding about it and to sort of work his way back up to that mind set. I know that every couple in a DD relationship goes through these times, and now my hunger for it and his resolve to meet my needs, and his hunger for it, finally seem to have all come back on the same level.

I called him today from work and asked him to meet me at my apartment -- which is now quite convenient for him as it's like 2 minutes from his work. He was here when I got here, and I wasted no time in telling him what I wanted. I know some people might question how real it could be if I had to ASK for it, but I know that I just needed to flat out tell him I was ready to go back down this path, and I trusted and needed him to take me there, plus I felt like shit about myself for something and I needed some guilt-resolve. I had lied at work about the reason I came in late the other day. The truth was that I was just having a bad flare up that day and needed more sleep time, but I flat-out lied about it -- and this isn't something new to me. OK so, lots of people lie to their work. But, I have been on a self-righteous trip lately about some not-so-honest shit that my boss says to customers, and I've been going off to D, and my mom, and everyone who will listen (outside of work, that is) about how I can't stand working with people with no integrity ... So, it kind of hit me today that when we HATE something about someone else we really need to look closely at what we're doing that we HATE about ourselves, right?

So, to me it wasn't really about being late -- it was about being a self-righteous jerk about calling someone else a liar while I'm being one myself. I still think he's an asshole for lying to customers, but I'm an asshole for lying to him, too, you know? But, D was also really annoyed with me for being late so that came into it, too. :)

It wasn't the most horrible thing as far as punishment spankings go. I got a hand spanking over his knee that started on my shorts and progressed to the bare (don't they always?) but he was trying to be quiet because this place doesn't seem as sound-proof as the last. Which is kind of good news for me, isn't it?  Then I had to bend over this way-too-convenient little desk I now have in my bedroom and I got a strapping with the belt. He didn't double it over at first, and I hate it like that -- feels too much like a light, stingy tawse. At one point I did start to cry, and asked him to please double it over. He said it was too loud that way. I almost pointed out that my wailing would be louder, but thought better of it.

I had a moment where I really wanted it to be over and I was beginning to whine like I do, but this voice in my head said, "You deserve this for being so bitchy about lying -- then turning around and doing it when it suits you" and, I swear, I stayed still a few more moments and buried my face, and felt very ashamed. This part I didn't write about it LJ. This part I'll only write about here, with you girls, because I know you'll get it. That feeling. At that moment it wasn't about scene, or anything else except WOW, I really felt GUILTY and I wanted to be absolved. And now I have been -- and I feel much lighter, somehow.

And a little horny, too. It's been so long for me since I've done much "scene" related, I'm looking back on it and getting turned on -- which is a very positive thing, I think. All in all, this was a good step: for D and I -- to get that first one in awhile out of the way, with the promise of more to come, to reconnect on that level; and for me -- to remember there's a difference between fibro pain and scene pain and that one is a good thing, even when it's the punishment kind.

I'm very pleased. I hope it's the first of many to come. I've been so needing this.