I'm recovered from surgery now. My body is feeling pretty good and my brain is as good as it's ever been. Which of course isn't saying much. Stress is a bit high, but tolerable.
I've known for a few months now it was time to talk to Paul about bringing more structure back into our relationship. Or, more specifically, into my life. We were doing pretty well with it in February but my surgery and recovery took us away from that. Paul's far too sweet to hold me accountable when I'm not feeling well. He took such good care of me.
About a month ago I had the conversation. Do you know the one? It's tough. It's when I ask for more accountability. More close supervision. More structure. The conversation went well and I was happy that he'd been thinking about that too. I was about to go away for a week so we decided (he asked and I agreed) to write my thoughts on what I needed and a plan. I agreed to that too. But I didn't write it.
This isn't like me. I don't generally not do stuff I've agreed to do. Especially, as in this case, when it's something I think I want. Paul didn't ask me about it when I came home -- it's for me to put energy into this first and I know that -- that's as it should be. But my plan remains unwritten.
Every day I wake up and mean to write it. I know just what I want to say in my head. But the house is messy and needs to be cleaned. Though I'm not cleaning it. It's a great day and I should go walking. Though I haven't been yet today. My friends deserve phone calls and emails. They do, but they don't get them. And my plan stays unwritten and undiscussed.
What does this mean? I guess that on some level now that I know Paul can effectively hold me accountable and change my behavior, part of me is resisting. Because, well, as much as I want to change, being accountable means working. And I've gotten used to being lazy.
So I've mostly been unspanked and undisciplined these last 6 months. Probably the longest span in the 8 years since our relationship began. Except for the arching rules we always have. Which did get me a rather hard hand spanking one night for being rather thoughtless and messy. And a very hard birthday spanking. But that's not the same as being disciplined of course.
I generally like the feeling of not being spanked very often when it means that I've basically been really good. But that's not what this means. What it means is that I'm too undisciplined to even write out the plan I've been asked for.
Ack. Not good. Not good.
I promise I'll write it and maybe even post it (or at least about it) by the end of the weekend.
You believe me, don't you?
