I’m in a pretty weird place today. Unfortunately I can’t go into all the details, but I can say I’ve been involved in a pretty big screwup. I’m one of those people who tends to be very hard on myself. I have a lot of ingrained guilt, and even when I haven’t screwed up big time I can usually find several examples of mistakes throughout a given day. If left to my own devices I could easily find a reason why I deserve punishment all the time.
My Owner doesn’t view me the same way. One of the earliest pieces of advice he ever gave me was, “Being a better submissive means learning to trust your Dominant to punish you when you need it and not do it to yourself.” I’ve always taken that to heart, but I’m not terribly good at putting it into practice. You can probably imagine that if I’m guilt ridden in general, I’m ridiculous when I have something specific to obsess about.
I spilled the beans about the situation to my Owner yesterday. This wasn’t really shocking news to him because we’ve been in communication about what I’m doing continuously, but I was feeling shocked and blindsided by the way the situation came to a head. I still don’t know what the outcome is going to be. But, I’m feeling horrible and guilty. I was sure I would be in trouble, and yesterday I cried. But, I also was left wondering because I am no longer allowed to ask if I am in trouble, and he didn’t say.
We were supposed to have our regular talk today. I figured I would find out then. But, we didn’t get to talk. I did ask him how long I should worry/ wonder about things now that I’m not allowed to ask if I’m in trouble. He says he plans to tell me when I’m in trouble right away most of the time. He gave no indication that I am in trouble over this issue.
I just don’t know how to feel. Part of me is relieved, and part of me feels so horrible that I’d rather receive some absolution. I’ve got to find a way to put his advice into action and let him be the judge, not me.
