The Punishment Book

Let me back up a bit to get at the reason discipline might be necessary at the moment.  In the last few months I've been doing a pretty poor job taking care of myself and have fallen into a particularly dangerous habit (and no, it's not smoking or drugs or drunk driving, so don't worry about those things).  It's an insidious habit, one that started off innocuously enough and didn't present itself as a problem until much farther down the road. 

Long before it became a full-fledged problem, I had asked Chris if he would be a sort of safety net for me.  I believe my exact request was for him to be "someone to help me catch the worst, most egregious, most dangerous things and hold me accountable for them."  He graciously agreed, we set some broad parameters, and we left it at that--he'd step up only if necessary. To be honest, I really intended the arrangement to be a sort of psychological safety net (but never actually employed) for three reasons.  One, I didn't anticipate needing him to spank me because I didn't think I'd be doing anything that bad; I thought it would give me some peace of mind to know that there was someone there just in case.  Two, I wasn't sure I was ready for anyone to take that role with me because I was (and am) grieving the loss of an intimate relationship that involved discipline.  And three, Chris has always struck me as an easy-going guy (I've even accused him of being an indulgent top) with a lot of integrity, so I was confident that he wouldn't just look for reasons to spank me, that realistically he would probably only spank me if I came to him first.  (Which ended up being pretty accurate--at least the latter part.)

I approached him about this problem (though he claims he'd noticed something too and was planning on asking me about it).  We agreed that it was a problem and I asked him to take an active role in helping me address it.  I'll spare you all the gory details (because I know you're not interested in those, {grin}) but suffice it to say that I have become well acquainted with the carpet in Chris and sparkle's family room--also the corner of said family room.  I have met several new paddles and wooden implements (Chris has unfortunately figured out how intensely I dislike wood) that I would rather stay in their toybox.  And I have discovered that I hate writing lines.  A lot.  Especially when the line is long and I am tired and there are still 98 to go.

It also turns out that Chris is something of a formidable top when he puts his mind to it.  Not as easy-going or indulgent as he seems at first.  One of my biggest initial concerns, honestly, was that Chris would be too nice.  I thought it was quite likely that he'd be too gentle or not stern enough with me.  Because I can have an insanely high tolerance and I can be {ahem} spirited (some might say "stubborn"), it takes an intense spanking and a very focused top to get me where I need to be with a punishment.  Chris, however, has more than proved his mettle, I think perhaps surprising even himself in the process.  (I know that he plans to post about this separately on his own blog to give a different perspective and will add comments here as well.)

Obviously there are a lot of discussion topics to tease out of this new development, but the biggest one for me has to do with the fact that Chris and I are not in an intimate relationship with each other and have no plans to be.  This is new for me.  I've only ever experienced discipline in the context of long-term relationships, as have many of the authors and readers of PB, though I don't recall us talking extensively about punishment outside the confines of our primary relationships, so I'm not sure if it's a common experience or not.  The dynamic between Chris and me is very comfortable; we've talked openly and at length about what we both need and what's ok.  He and sparkle have talked about it.  Sparkle and I have talked about it.  We're all clear about what's going on and we check in routinely to make sure things are still going well.  Which is to say that I'm not worried about this change in my friendship with Chris, but I am both interested in and attentive to the differences between this arrangement and the others I've experienced in the past. 

For example, it's quite different to go to someone else's house for a punishment.  To show up, get spanked, get reassured, and then leave.  (Though frequently I end up staying for dinner or staying to chat with sparkle/play with the princess.)  That adds a certain formality to the proceedings not there when I'm in my own space.  There's also the scheduling problem.  Chris and sparkle had houseguests for ten days at the end of December and then I was gone for my sister's wedding at the beginning of January.  We all have full lives and things can't be addressed immediately--which is true in primary relationships too, but in different ways and for different reasons. 

And then there's the intimacy.  Playing with someone is intimate on many levels, not the least of which is anatomical and potentially sexual, but being disciplined by someone is incredibly intimate.  I posted something about this last spring, where I said, "To allow someone to spank me, especially for punishment, means that I am handing them my whole self in a little ball and asking them to be careful with it, please."  I would expect to allow my primary partner access to all my foibles, flaws, insecurities, neuroses, and other assorted issues.  But it's different with someone else, mostly because the limits of friendship are different and I'm not terribly good at being vulnerable anyway.  It's harder to be truly open with someone else, to be brutally honest about my motivations, my brokenness, and my defects.  Honesty is the only way disciplinary relationships can work, in my opinion, but the level of honesty/openness/forthrightness is different with friends and primary partners.  And Chris transcends that line in some ways.  I have to confess when I've messed up--though he's pretty good about asking me--and I have to do that with someone with whom I would normally not be so transparent.  Someone with whom I would rather make silly sports bets* and spaghetti sauce.  It's forcing me to be more vulnerable, which is actually good for me, because I'm finding that this is a safe space in which to be less-than-perfect.  But it's definitely different.

So now I have just what I wished for in my last post: accountability through spanking.  Not for everything, of course, and not in the same way I would have in a primary relationship with discipline.  But I am being held accountable and I am being punished.  I feel safe and cared for and loved.  And that's what we're ultimately after, isn't it?

*****
*Oh, and as a point of honor, I would like to make public the fact that I honored my bet with Chris on the same night that I received a punishment.  I came over early, got punished, ate dinner with Chris, sparkle, and the princess, and then paid down the bet after the princess went to bed.  The punishment that night was not particularly harsh, but still.  I'm rather proud that I was able to take both in one evening.  :-D